My notes on having a newborn

In October 2024, my wife and I welcome our son, Roger, to our family. And it changed everything. I took a few notes and completed them with my wife to create this blog post. It’s nothing ground-breaking but these are things I wish I had known before.

For context, we decided to move country at the same time as having our first born. We used to live in Berlin and decided to move to Portugal. Germany being Germany, I was able to take a 3 months parental leave during which I tried to run the house and build a relationship with my son. We were already in Portugal during that parental leave.

Below are our notes, without too much editing and mostly written from the dad’s point of view:

Be prepared! Before the birth, read/watch videos about the birth and what to expect during the first months. I read “The happiest baby on the block”, which was a good read.
Be ready for a tough time, don’t expect rosy cuddly times (there will be some of course), be ready for a fight.
As the dad, know that at least the first 4 weeks, your job should be to make sure that your wife only needs to feed the baby and recover. Therefore, your job is to make her comfortable and to run the house (everything!).
If you can, take at least 4 weeks off work (totally off work).
Dad, from day 1, do all the things. Change diapers, change clothes, give a bath, put him to sleep, put the baby seat in the car, try to collapse the stroller while carrying an shopping bag,…
Breastfeeding was very (very) painful for my wife and I decided to wake up every time with her when she would feed Roger at night. This helped my wife (I’d take care of the changing of the nappies as well). If I remember well, we did that for a month before switching to formula and divide the feeds (I’d feed him at 11pm, my wife would do it at 2am and I’d do it at 5am). This was quite taxing because I often struggled to fall asleep afterwards but that was our choice.
Have a great book to read at night (I never read as much as during the first weeks - this helped make the insomnia more pleasant).
A lot of having a baby is carrying him around, changing his position, taking him out of someone’s arms,… Therefore, get comfortable picking him up, down, changing position in the arms,…
I tried to change as many diapers as possible. A colleague of mine told me that his wife was responsible of what was coming in and he was responsible for what was coming out. I stole this and changed Roger the majority of the time. And after 6 weeks, changing him became so fun because so much smiles take place there (we called it “the smiling station”). My wife would regularly join me just to watch him being cute.
Know what’s vital for you -> for me, living in a messy/dirty house wouldn’t have gone well with a newborn so I made it my mission to always go to bed with the house organized (to a certain extent). It helped a lot actually.
Having a baby is being on a roller coaster, not an upward slope. Things don’t get gradually better, things go up and down. You’ll sleep great for 3 days and then he’s going to be impossible for a week. There is no apparent logic, things will get better, then worse, then better again.
Shushing is a godsend. It isn’t a random noise, it really calms the baby down since it reminds him of the noise he used to hear in the womb (blood rushing through the arteries).
Be prepared to kind of lose your personal time for a while. I love being in front of my computer and read stuff for hours and this hasn’t happened in a while. BUT there are other ways to be “entertained”, reading is possible while calming the baby or being used as a bed. Listening to podcasts while taking care of the baby also works well.
And it’s crazy how normal it feels. I thought I’d be missing my alone time from before the baby but it just feels normal to have him and have to compromise and learn.
Get out of the house “quick”. There is value in staying at home and getting used to the new situation, it certainly was needed for us. BUT rather quickly (took 10 days for us), take the habit of leaving the house, go to the restaurant, go run errands with the baby, go for a walk,… The baby will get used to it, you will get used to it,…
It’s hard to believe but you’ll gain confidence. My fear about leaving the house was my reaction if Roger was suddenly losing it and I couldn’t calm him. With time, week after week, we gained that confidence that we can handle every situation (even if it might mean “let’s go home” in some situations).
First six weeks are challenging because there is no feedback from the baby. A positive feedback is “I’m no screaming” which is not so positive. After 6 weeks (for us), Roger started smiling when he was happy, he started understanding that being on the changing table didn’t warrant a full breakdown,… So things get easier, he gives you feedback, he smiles. And that changes everything.
Don’t do everything together with your spouse. Sure it feels better to be 2 to handle the baby but if you chose to always be together, you have no alone time. Try to go run the errands alone, go for a walk with the baby alone, go to the doctor alone,… while the other looks after the baby
Like in a relationship: don’t count. Don’t give in the temptation to count what you’re doing compared to your spouse. Truth is, you’ll do more some days and she’ll do more some days. BUT tell her if you’re reached your limit and you need help/support.
Good songs are a nice ritual when the baby won’t want to fall asleep (frère Jacques “Ô Roger”, Kashmir, cantique des sizaines).
Lastly, I realized how much I underestimated how I could function with little sleep. I used to think that I’d be in a terrible mood/impossible if I slept less than 6 hours but the nights with Roger showed me that I could totally function with far less sleep than that. It wasn’t fun, it was really hard actually but I was able to do it and wouldn’t fear that part if we ever decide to have a second one. I insist on this one because it was my biggest “fear” before having our baby.

Those were our notes for the first three months!